The optimist drowned in a half full tub:
Just to believe the fact that things have changed. For the good or the bad who knows. But they have and its difficult to accept it completely.
And there isnt going to be anyyy pixie dust sprinkled on our lives. I know i sound to pessimistic and hopeless; but that is what i am.
Becauese that is what sounds more satisfying and real to me.
Right now, and most of the time. Its not like i have or was given an option; im human by default.
“Jaage hain, soye nahein, kesi hai meri yeh bey-chaini. Din bhi wohi, raatein wohi, saanson main saansein hain nahein..“
The moment was pulsating. We felt it. We were still. The water in the fountain we sat beside was slow and lax , flowing carelessly as if nothing in the world could ever go wrong.
She stood up and came near me.
She sat down on the wood ledge beside me. I sat unsure now of everything. Everything. All the invisible unity of everything around me was collapsing. There was a small small distance between us. Nearby, the water flowed and a birds chirp was heard, shrill but somehow calm. The pair of love birds I once, on her birthday, got her.
As if she would eternally belong where she was. We sat unhinged. I felt calmly that things might collapse. Then I stood up and said “should we go up?” with a calmness in my voice that yearned to belong where it was. She said yes and we walked up the stairs back to the lounge.
Just when after a hug, a tormenting one, i took leave; and heard:
“Bhujha do aag dil ki ya, issey khul ker hawa de do,
Jo iska mol de paaye, ussey apni wafa de do,
Tumharey dil main hai kya, bas iska pata de do,
Ye dil tum bin kahein lagta nahein, hum kya karein,
Luttey dil main diya jalta nahien, hum kya karein.”
…playing, as i walked down the wooden staircase towards the entrance door. Only this time, I didn’t care to hear the wooden staircase squeaking.
I wonder: how you make me wonder
And realise; everything around you
That excites you
Is placed so perfectly
To guide you; to your purpose.
Then i wonder; there is no purpose.
Not that I am aware of
How we’re not good people
Not very pious people
But we’re as good, as we should be
I wonder; how you help me grow
In every way, my dear friend.
What, I wonder and ask:
What is this, that I feel?
This universe of thoughts and feelings.
Where i feel Your presence in between the egg yolks and sunrises.
Are you on the texture of dried leaves and in their crisp, crackling sound?
When the bird chirps every morning, is she telling her children about You?
I am stupid, so I’ll ask questions.
When the most desperate prayers and supplications are done for the most naive wants; but feel wasted and seem unheard”.
When the most difficult of wishes and needs are awarded instantly. When miseries and sufferings wither away imperceptibly, swift and subtle.
Trying to untangle my jumbled thoughts, out of love and boredom.
Sleep deprived, tired and reckless.
But; more stronger, and excited than ever before.
These are all nothing else but elements that make me feel alive.
What more is that i am concerned about?
Not the wrongdoings, or the daily affairs of life. Neither the future, nor the past.
I wonder about that is beyond the body and mind.
Aboit the eternal part of our existence.
How it wants what it wants and doesn’t give the slighest leverage to settle for anything less. How it finds connections within connections of things and living beings, in songs and poetry, in natural and unnatural.
How it pushes the clothing it is locked in, towards what it wants and shows its authority and power over it. The purity and its origin.
Which makes me think about The Creator. The Prefect Artist. The Everything.
I may sound partially insane to the world, but I will keep asking questions, from He, who places them in my heart himself.
I question, because I know I will be given answers in the most beautiful ways.
I question because it makes me love Him more.
May all the moments to come
Allow us to live them more
Happiness; to take over our souls
And sadness to teach us all that we should learn
May we, always: stick together.
Longer than forever.
Like tiny fragments
Of sand on a beach
To be washed away
By a wave of you
Just once more
To take away more
From the remains
Of: my very moist existence
Wherever you are
Stay; i beg
Now numb and cold
Will fail to do justice
To what you will give
May burn your wings
With the fire I burn in
But if you come;
I will promise
To hold on to myself
When your absence
Gives me every reason:
To fall apart.
I turned numb
I loved you
As the laugh lines
Felt like a room
I could roam around in
Even without lights on
Now: my numbness
To feel my feet.